1. “Let me guess: Are you Chinese?”
If I say, “Yes,” you’re going to say you could totally tell.
If I say, “No, I’m ____,” you’re going to say that that was your second guess.
If I say, “No, I’m ____,” you’re going to say that that was your second guess.
2. “What ARE you?”
Are you asking me where I’m from?
“Yeah, where are you from?”
Texas.
“Nooo, like, where are you really from?”
Texas.
“Noooooo, like, where are your PARENTS from?”
“Yeah, where are you from?”
Texas.
“Nooo, like, where are you really from?”
Texas.
“Noooooo, like, where are your PARENTS from?”
4. “Can you tell the difference between the different types of Asian?”
Science says cheekbone height determines the spectrum of Asian.
“Really?”
No.
“Really?”
No.
5. “I heard they eat dogs. Do they really eat dogs over there?”
Why does it feel like I’m personally being judged for a cultural vice practiced by a tiny piece of the population.
6. “…have you ever eaten dog?”
Literally all the time. My mom’s dish you tried last night?
Woof.
7. “Are you related to [anyone with the last name Lee, Kim, Chen, Nguyen]?”
Yup, the 1.2 million Kims in South Korea comprise one big family.
8. This:
Believe it or not, some of us have both academic and social skills. Groundbreaking, I know.
9. “Are your parents strict?”
Only about racially ignorant presumptions of other households.
10. “Like, do you have to marry someone from your own culture?”
Only if Confucius says so.
11. “Do you get in trouble if you don’t get straight A’s?”
I’m only reprimanded if I ask dumb questions.
12. Specifically to females: “Are you attracted to Asian guys?”
I’m attracted to anyone who’s…attractive?
14. “What’s your REAL Asian name?”
I will tell you only if you promise not to attempt to pronounce it.
15. “Omg you speak fluently? How do you say ______ in Korean/Chinese/Japanese/etc.?”
你他妈的.
엿먹어.
くたばれ.
엿먹어.
くたばれ.
17. “Are you really good at karaoke?”
Wow, what a completely stereotypical assumption to make.
But yes, I am.
19. “How are you guys all so skinny?”
‘Cause calories shoot right to our brains, WHICH IS HOW WE’RE SO SMART.
20. “Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like [one of the few Asian actors in Hollywood]?”
“Harold” from Harold & Kumar? Brenda Song? Bruce Lee? Gong Li? Sandra Oh? What else you got?
21. “Wait — can you understand the other Asian languages?”
NO.
Because they are literally other languages.
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